As-salamu alaikum,
In tonight’s video (https://youtu.be/UT9XQceuwd8), I told you about the teen who thought he was a bad Muslim for having a crush.
Let me tell you about the rest of our conversation.
I said, “Brother, I went through exactly what you’re describing. And nobody gave me a framework either. So, I’m going to give you what I wish someone had given me.”
Here’s that conversation.
The Three Stages of Attraction—And Where the Sin Actually Enters
Islamic scholars have identified three distinct stages of attraction. Understanding these changed everything for me:
Stage 1: The initial glance: This is involuntary. You didn’t choose to notice them. This is forgiven—completely, unconditionally.
The Prophet ﷺ said: “The first glance is forgiven; the second is not.” (Abu Dawud)
Stage 2: The lingering or return gaze: This is where choice enters. You notice someone. Then you choose to look again, or to stare without even looking away, to dwell visually.
This is where the command to “lower your gaze” applies.
Stage 3: The feeding of the feeling: This is where most teens actually struggle—not with the initial feeling, but with everything they do to sustain it:
Stalking their Instagram
Orchestrating “coincidental” encounters (“Oh, I didn’t expect to see you here.”)
Lengthy private conversations under the guise of “friendship”
Fantasy and daydreaming that becomes obsessive
The feeling isn’t the sin. The intentional feeding of the feeling is the sin and leads to the danger.
Once you understand these three stages, the guilt shifts from “I’m a terrible person for feeling this” to “OK, what am I actually doing with this feeling?”
That’s a much more productive question.
The Deeper Lesson:
What “Lowering the Gaze” Actually Means in 2026
The classical scholars explained “lower your gaze” as avoiding the intentional, lustful stare.
But in 2026, “lowering your gaze” has new dimensions:
Digital gaze-lowering:
Unfollowing accounts that feed attraction
Not watching their Stories
Not going through their photos
Muting their posts
Social gaze-lowering:
Not engineering situations to be near them
Not seeking out private conversations
Maintaining appropriate boundaries in group settings
Mental gaze-lowering:
When the thought comes uninvited, acknowledge and redirect
Don’t build elaborate fantasies
Replace the mental image with dhikr (remembrance of Allah)
This isn’t only about willpower. It’s also about wisdom.
The thought will come. What you do next is your choice.
A Personal Story:
When I was in high school, I had a crush that consumed me for two years.
I didn’t know about the three stages. I didn’t know the hadith about the first glance. I didn’t know about fasting as a prescription.
What I thought was: “I’m in love” and tried to do everything to make that fantasy into a reality. But remember that quote from Ibnul Qayyim that I mentioned? One of the benefits of lowering the gaze is that it relieves you of the pain of longing and regret. Because I failed to lower my gaze, and kept trying to get that girl to like me in return, it consumed me.
My grades slipped, I lost my starting position on the lacrosse team as we went to the state championship, I wasn’t sleeping good, I was irritable … in short, I was totally miserable. And this was all before the age of the internet and social media. Today, the same story leads to far more dangerous outcomes like stalking, harassment or even suicide.
That’s what tonight was about. Giving you the structure I didn’t have so that you don’t have to experience the pain and misery that I went through.
Because this is the Extended Edition, and because this is just too good to leave out, I wanted to share with you Ibnul Qayyim’s essay on the Benefits of Lowering the Gaze from his book, Rāwdat al-Muḥibbīn:
There are numerous benefits to lowering one’s gaze:
1) Relief from the pain of longing and regret.
When a person lets his eyes wander freely, his heart is never at rest. The gaze shows him what he passionately desires, but cannot reach or be patient without—and this constant yearning becomes the cause of his deepest pain and torment.
2) It fills the heart with light and radiance
This light becomes visible upon one’s eyes, face, and entire being. Just as the one who restrains his gaze is blessed with inner illumination, the one who indulges his eyes is marked by darkness that manifests upon his face and limbs.
3) It grants true spiritual insight (firāsah)
Insight is born of light and clarity. When the heart shines with divine light, one’s perception becomes keen—like a mirror that reflects reality as it is.
But when a person’s gaze is unrestrained, it clouds this mirror, dimming the heart’s brightness.
Allah rewards people in kind: whoever lowers his gaze from the unlawful, Allah grants him penetrating vision and the light of discernment. When he restrains his sight for Allah’s sake, Allah opens for him the eyes of his heart; and whoever lets his eyes wander toward the forbidden, Allah blinds his inner vision.
4) It opens the doors of knowledge and understanding
A heart filled with light perceives truths quickly and deeply. Lowering the gaze clears the mind, allowing knowledge to flow easily.
But when the eyes are left unchecked, the heart becomes disturbed and dark, and the doors of understanding are shut tight.
5) It frees the heart from the captivity of lust.
The true prisoner is the one enslaved by his passions. When lust and desire capture the heart, the enemy gains full control over it, tormenting it endlessly.
6) It closes one of the gates of Hell.
The gaze is the gateway to desire, which leads to sinful action.
Allah’s divine prohibition acts as a protective veil—once that veil is torn, the soul rushes headlong into the forbidden and never stops.
The lustful soul is never satisfied; its pleasure lies only in what is new. Thus, lowering the gaze shuts a door that even kings have been unable to close completely.
7) It sobers the heart from the intoxication of lust and awakens it from heedlessness.
Letting the gaze roam freely leads to heedlessness of Allah and the Hereafter. It intoxicates the soul with passion, as Allah said about the lovers of worldly beauty:
لَعَمۡرُكَ إِنَّهُمۡ لَفِي سَكۡرَتِهِمۡ يَعۡمَهُونَ
“By your life, they were in their drunkenness, wandering blindly.” [15:72]
A single glance is like a sip of wine, and infatuation is its intoxication.
But the intoxication of passion is far worse than that of wine,
The drunkard of wine may awaken — but the drunkard of desire rarely wakes except among the dead.
Please see the original page to read through all 10 benefits mentioned by Ibnul Qayyim (rA): (https://preciousgemsfromthequranandsunnah.wordpress.com/2025/11/16/ten-profound-benefits-of-lowering-the-gaze-from-what-allah-has-forbidden-by-imam-ibn-qayyim-al-jawziyya-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87/)
The Practical Tool (Email-Exclusive):
TONIGHT’S JOURNALING PROMPT:
Part 1: Honest Assessment
Is there someone you’re currently attracted to? (You don’t have to write their name—just acknowledge it.)
Now be honest:
Is the feeling itself causing you guilt? (It shouldn’t—it’s human)
Are you doing things to feed the feeling? (Instagram stalking, unnecessary contact, etc.)
Are you in situations that make halal behavior harder? (Unnecessary private conversations, etc.)
Part 2: The Three Stages Check
Where are you?
Stage 1: Involuntary feeling (forgiven—move on)
Stage 2: Choosing to dwell (lower your gaze—practically)
Stage 3: Actively feeding it (identify specifically what you’re doing and stop immediately)
Part 3: The Halal Channel
If this feeling is strong and persistent, ask:
Am I at a stage of life where marriage is realistic?
If yes: Have I spoken to my parents? Is this someone worth pursuing for marriage?
If no: Am I using fasting, extra worship, and productive distraction to manage this?
What’s one practical change I can make tomorrow to handle this in a more halal way?
The Resource List (Email-Exclusive):
📖 Read: “Purification of the Heart” by Hamza Yusuf - Chapter on desire and its proper channeling
🎧 Listen: "Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam" by Yasir Qadhi (YouTube series)
🧠 Reflect: Why do you think Allah gave us attraction in the first place? What does its existence tell us about His design for human beings?
📝 Advanced: Study the fiqh of marriage (nikah) at a basic level. Understanding that marriage is the halal channel for these feelings—and that it’s achievable—changes how you relate to attraction.
The Personal Sign-Off:
Tomorrow, insha Allah: Toxic Relationships—how to recognize them, what the Quran says about them, and how to walk away with dignity.
Until then: You’re not bad. You’re human. And Islam has a beautiful plan for your humanity.
Dr. Ali
P.S. - Hit reply if tonight helped you release guilt you’ve been carrying or gave you the structure you needed to avoid the eventual pain. I want to know.