As-salamu alaikum,
In tonight’s video (https://youtu.be/8DLfStP9QPg), I told you about the college student in a controlling relationship.
What I didn’t tell you is: I’ve watched this pattern destroy some of my own patients.
In my years of practice, I’ve sat across from more people than I can count who stayed in toxic relationships long past the point of obvious harm.
The reasons were always the same:
“But I love them.” “But they need me.” “But I know that they’ll change, they promised.” “But what will people say if I leave?”
And every single time, the exit—when it finally came—was more painful for the delay.
The longer you stay in what harms you, the harder it is to remember who you were before it.
The Difference Between Difficulty and Toxicity
Islam doesn’t promise painless relationships. The Prophet ﷺ himself was hurt by people he loved.
But there’s a difference between difficulty and toxicity:
Difficult relationships:
Require communication and compromise
Both people take responsibility
Growth happens through the challenge
You feel respected even in conflict
Toxic relationships:
One person consistently harms the other
Accountability is always deflected
You shrink while they stay the same
Respect is conditional on compliance
The Islamic test: Does this relationship help or hinder your relationship with Allah?
If someone is consistently pulling you from your deen, from your community, from your best self—that’s not love. That’s harm wearing love’s clothing.
The Deeper Lesson:
Why We Stay (The Psychology of Toxic Bonds)
Understanding WHY we stay in toxic relationships is as important as knowing we should leave.
1. Intermittent reinforcement: Toxic relationships alternate between punishment and reward. The “good times” become more intense because of the contrast.
Psychologists call this intermittent reinforcement—the same mechanism that makes gambling addictive.
The unpredictability keeps you hooked. But the roller-coaster of emotions takes a massive toll on you in the process.
2. Sunk cost fallacy: “But, I’ve already invested so much. If I leave now, it was all wasted.”
But continuing to invest in something harmful doesn’t recover what you’ve already lost. It just adds to the total. It’s like a car that’s turned into a money-pit. You keep spending money to get it fixed, but at some point, you realize it’s not worth it anymore.
3. Trauma bonding: When someone alternates between causing pain and providing relief, you become psychologically bonded to them as your source of both the problem AND the solution.
This is why “but they’re so kind sometimes” keeps people trapped.
4. Fear of what people will say: In Muslim communities especially, leaving a relationship carries social stigma.
But the Prophet ﷺ said: “There shall be no causing harm and no receiving of harm.” (Ibn Majah)
Allah’s command overrides community judgment.
A Note on Abusive Relationships Specifically:
If your relationship involves physical danger, please reach out to a trusted adult immediately.
Safety comes first. Always.
There is nothing Islamic about enduring physical harm.
The Prophet ﷺ never harmed anyone in his household, and he condemned those who did.
The Practical Tool (Email-Exclusive):
TONIGHT’S JOURNALING PROMPT:
Part 1: The Honest Assessment
Think of the relationship that came to mind tonight. Answer honestly:
Am I a better Muslim in this relationship, or worse?
Do I feel respected, or do I walk on eggshells?
Am I staying out of genuine love, or fear/guilt/obligation?
Would I advise my best friend to stay in this situation?
Part 2: The Nuh Reflection
Nuh prayed for his son for 950 years and still couldn’t save him.
Ask yourself:
Have I done everything I can to improve this relationship?
Is the other person willing to change, or am I making excuses for their unwillingness?
Am I taking responsibility for things that aren’t my fault?
Part 3: The Exit Plan (If Needed)
If this relationship needs to end:
Who is a trusted adult I can involve?
Am I physically safe? If not, what’s my safety plan?
What support do I need to walk away?
How do I do this with dignity—without revenge, bitterness, or drama?
The Resource List:
📖 Read: “Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse” by Jackson MacKenzie
🎧 Listen: “Toxic Relationships in Islam” by Mufti Menk (YouTube)
🧠 Reflect: Allah told Nuh “he is not of your family” even though he was his biological son. What does this tell us about how Allah defines true relationship?
📝 If you need immediate help: Talk to a trusted adult, school counselor, or imam. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
The Personal Sign-Off:
Tomorrow, insha Allah: Loneliness & Finding Your People—what to do when you feel completely alone.
Until then: Walking away from what harms you isn’t betrayal. It’s survival and self-preservation.
Dr. Ali
P.S. - If tonight’s email described your situation, please reply. I want to help you think through next steps.
You deserve relationships that build you up. Full stop.