As-salamu alaikum,
In tonight’s video (https://youtu.be/D0OEIMcwLgA), I told you about the girl whose family wanted her to forgive her uncle.
I didn’t tell you what I actually said to her.
I said, “You don’t have to forgive him right now. And you definitely don’t have to have a relationship with him now or ever, especially if he has no remorse for what he did. What he did was wrong. And you protecting yourself from him is not un-Islamic—it’s wisdom.”
Her parents were not very happy with me.
They called me later that week and said, “You’re supposed to be teaching our daughter Islam. And Islam is about forgiveness.”
I said, “Islam is also about justice. And protecting vulnerable people. And not enabling abusers by pretending their actions don’t have consequences.”
Needless to say, that conversation didn’t go well, and that’s okay with me.
But here’s what I want you to know: I stand entirely by what I told her, and I would say it again.
Because forgiveness in Islam is not cheap. It’s not performative. And it’s definitely not about protecting abusers.
The Neuroscience of Forgiveness—Why It’s So Hard
Here’s something I learned in medical school that changed how I think about forgiveness:
Unforgiveness is physiologically stored in your body.
When someone hurts you, your brain encodes that memory with heightened emotion. Every time you remember it, your body re-experiences the stress response—elevated cortisol, increased heart rate, muscle tension.
Over time, chronic unforgiveness literally damages your body:
Increased risk of cardiovascular disease
Weakened immune system
Higher rates of depression and anxiety
Disrupted sleep patterns
This is why the Prophet ﷺ taught that the strong person is the one who controls themselves when angry.
He wasn’t just giving spiritual advice. He was protecting your physical health.
But here’s the key: Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.
You can release the physiological burden of rage without giving the person who hurt you access to hurt you again.
Forgiveness = internal release. Reconciliation = restored relationship.
They’re not the same thing.
The Deeper Lesson:
What Most People Get Wrong About Yusuf’s Forgiveness
When people cite Yusuf’s forgiveness of his brothers, they usually say: “See? He forgave them completely. You should too.”
But they miss three critical details:
1. It took YEARS
Yusuf was a child when they threw him in the well. He was an adult—likely in his 30s or 40s—when he finally forgave them.
Decades passed. Forgiveness was a process, not an event.
2. He tested them first
Yusuf didn’t immediately reveal himself and forgive. He tested them multiple times to see if they had changed.
He needed to see: genuine remorse, changed behavior, willingness to sacrifice for family.
Only after seeing these signs did he then forgive.
3. He acknowledged the harm
Even in his moment of forgiveness, Yusuf said: “Shaytan came between me and my brothers.”
He named what happened. He didn’t pretend it was nothing.
Islamic forgiveness is honest. It acknowledges the wound while choosing to heal from it.
An Important Point:
While forgiveness and repelling mistreatment with kindness is the highest level of conduct that one can aspire to, it is not always possible for everyone, and in some cases, it is not wise. It is imperative for us to understand this distinction and not shame Muslims who choose not to forgive, or choose to forgive, but maintain their distance. In fact, the great scholar Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr wrote:
The scholars are unanimously agreed that it is not permissible for a Muslim to shun his brother for more than three days, except in the case where he fears that speaking to him and upholding ties with him may undermine his religious commitment, or expose him to harm in his religious or worldly affairs. If that is the case, then he is granted a concession allowing him to avoid him and keep away from him, and perhaps cutting off ties with him and shunning him in a good way will be better than mixing with him in a way that leads to harm. (At-Tamheed)
A Personal Story:
Years ago, someone I trusted deeply betrayed me. Publicly. Humiliatingly. And they didn’t stop there.
This was a brother that came into my community when I was a leader there. He knew no one and I literally introduced him to everyone. I welcomed him, invited him into my home and took him as a close friend. I even introduced him to the woman that he would later marry.
And he betrayed my trust, went behind my back and left me out to dry. When I confronted him about it, he had no remorse and told me that since taking his position at the masjid, he did what he felt was necessary and that he didn’t need to consult me. \
Then, he did something that hurt me so deeply that I can’t even write about it here. What I can say is that his actions had far-reaching consequences that affected not just me, but my entire family, quite literally for years to come. It brought immeasurable levels of stress to both my life and that of my parents, likely contributing to their early deaths, and quite literally changed the trajectory of my life.
But here is the amazing thing about Allah. No matter what people think they can do to you, they can only do what Allah allows them to do, and when you have a relationship with Allah, He will always direct you to what is best. Remember the hadith that the Prophet taught to ibn Abbas, wherein he ﷺ says:
“Young man, I will teach you some words. Be mindful of Allah and He will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him before you. If you ask, ask from Allah. If you seek help, seek help from Allah. Know that if the nations gathered together to benefit you, they could not benefit you unless Allah has decreed it for you. And if the nations gathered together to harm you, they could not harm you unless Allah has decreed it for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” (Tirmidhī)
Yusuf’s brothers thought they were hurting him, but Allah took their action and made it the cause of elevating Yusuf to great heights. And this is what happened to me. That man’s actions led me to take a certain path in life that brought me immense benefits, benefits that I was unlikely to ever achieve or see if I had stayed in that same place. He intended to harm me, and Allah chose to give me something good.
I knew as a Muslim that I should forgive, but I couldn’t. Not immediately. Especially since that man, till this day, continues to have zero remorse and would happily try to harm me again given the chance.
It was living the hadith of ibn Abbas that allowed me to finally forgive and let go of the poison in my heart because I knew that Allah defends the believers. In fact, this is exactly what He says in the Quran:
إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُدَٰفِعُ عَنِ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓا۟ ۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ خَوَّانٍۢ كَفُورٍ
“Truly, Allah defends those who believe. Surely, Allah does not like those who are deceitful, ungrateful.” [22:38]
Around the same time, I was compiling my book: The Trade Which Shall Never Fail: A Collection of 55 Hadith on Actions with Immense Rewards, and I included the following hadith:
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Whoever seeks forgiveness for the believing men and women, Allah will record a good deed for him by each man and woman.” (Musnad al-Shāmīyīn lil-Ṭabarāni—graded as hasan by al-Albani)
So, if you apply this hadith today, you could literally get over a billion and a half rewards in less than a minute! Ahhh, but that’s where the difficulty lies. You have to sincerely ask Allah to forgive every believer, including those that hurt you.
While I will never give that man the chance to harm me again, at least if I have any say in the matter, I removed the poison from my heart by asking Allah to forgive him, and because I truly wanted to get the reward mentioned in that powerful hadith.
The gems of the Quran and hadith gave me permission to be hurt. To grieve. To be angry.
And paradoxically, once I had that permission, I could finally start the process of forgiving and healing.
It took time. But eventually, I got there.
Not because I forced it. But because Allah carried me through it when I submitted my heart to Him.
The Practical Tool (Email-Exclusive):
TONIGHT’S JOURNALING PROMPT:
Part 1: Name the wound
Who hurt you that you’re struggling to forgive?
What did they do? Be specific. Don’t minimize it.
(You don’t have to show this to anyone. This is between you and Allah.)
Part 2: What is unforgiveness costing you?
Physically: (Sleep issues? Stress? Health problems?) Emotionally: (Constant anger? Bitterness? Inability to move forward?) Spiritually: (Feeling distant from Allah? Struggling to pray?) Relationally: (Taking it out on others? Unable to trust anyone?)
Part 3: The Yusuf reflection
Yusuf had power over his brothers. He chose mercy.
If you had power over the person who hurt you—what would justice look like? What would mercy look like?
And here’s the hard question: Which one would heal you more?
Part 4: The prayer
Make du’a (even if you don’t fully mean it yet). It doesn’t have to follow any particular form. Remember that the most sincere du’a is that which comes from your heart, in whatever language is easiest for you. It could take the form of words like this, for example: “O Allah, I can’t forgive them on my own. But I want to be free from this anger. Help me forgive—not for their sake, but for mine. Help me heal.”
The Resource List (Email-Exclusive):
📖 Read: “The Book of Forgiveness” by Megan Feldman Bettencourt - Secular but insightful research on the neuroscience and psychology of forgiveness
🎧 Listen: “Forgiveness in Islam” by Yasir Qadhi (YouTube) - Theological depth on when forgiveness is required vs. recommended
🧠 Reflect: Why do you think Allah gave Yusuf power over his brothers before he forgave them? What does that teach us about the relationship between power and forgiveness?
📝 Advanced: Research the concept of ‘afw (pardon) vs. safh (overlooking) vs. maghfirah (forgiveness) in Islamic terminology. They’re not identical—understanding the differences helps clarify what Allah is asking of you.
The Personal Sign-Off:
Tomorrow insha Allah: Week 2 Recap—Relationships & Boundaries. We’ll review the six most important lessons before moving into Week 3: Doubt, Faith & Mental Health.
Until then: Forgiveness is not weakness. And taking time to forgive is not failure.
You’re human. Allah knows that. And He’s patient with you.
Dr. Ali
P.S. - If you’re being pressured to forgive someone who harmed you and you’re not ready—you’re not a bad Muslim. You’re a wounded human. And Allah’s mercy is more than big enough for that.
Hit reply if you need to hear that again or if you need more help on this topic